Being With What Is – Rather Than Trying To Be Something You’re Not
A few weeks back, my partner & I had been through a really rocky patch in which both of us had felt hurt.
When we finally got through that, we reconnected to make love.
Part of me really wanted this… the closeness, the intimacy, the physical connection & the delicious pleasurable states that our love making usually brings.
But when we connected & got close, I didn’t feel able to emotionally connect. It was very subtle – a past version of myself would have pushed past this & carried on – but I could tell my body wasn’t ready to open.
I felt contracted & unable to be fully relaxed. My partner touched my yoni & I could tell it felt too soon. I wasn’t ready.
I desperately wanted to be able to connect with him & bring back the level of intimacy we used to have but, the truth was, my body wasn’t ready.
I took his hand & gently moved it away.
“Can we just look in each other’s eyes for a bit, babe?”, I asked.
“Of course”, he said, understanding something wasn’t right.
After some minutes of silent eye gazing & my body not feeling any more open, I tuned into what I was feeling.
“I can feel a lot of pain in my heart”, I said.
“Yeah, me too”, he replied.
We’d been through a huge emotional rupture in our relationship, it wasn’t surprising we were both hurting!
“Is it ok if I go inwards & try to see what this pain needs?”, I said, letting him know what I was about to do.
“Of course, baby”, he said.
So, I laid on my back & closed my eyes.
I tuned into each one of my chakras & gave them each a few minutes of my focus.
I started at my base chakra & worked slowly up.
I gave every chakra my presence for a minute or two, until it felt acknowledged, then moved up to the next.
As I got to my solar plexus & heart chakra, I felt a lot of pain.
I let tears run down my face as I released the pain my body was holding. I breathed to let the energy move freely.
I worked all the way up to my crown chakra. Not expecting to feel much there, I was shocked to find that a rush of energy entered my body & suddenly all the pain I’d been feeling left.
I stayed with it for a while then slowly came back to my partner & smiled. “I feel better now”, I said.
We moved closer together & now I felt free to connect with him. The emotional block I’d felt before had passed & I could once again be open to give my love.
We connected more intimately then naturally moved towards arousal & love making.
We made love with all of our usual deliciousness & my orgasm was particularly yummy that day!
It was a beautiful experience that could have gone one of two ways.
At the point when I felt my body wasn’t ready & my partner touched my yoni, I had a choice.
I could have:
- ignored my body’s communication & try to be something I wasn’t.
- accept that I’m not where I want to be & choose to be where I truly was.
The first would have resulted in some pretty crappy sex that would likely have been dry, painful & with a short lived, unsatisfying orgasm (if any at all). I may also have created mistrust & betrayal in my system because my mind would have overridden my body’s request to pause.
The second option was harder to do because it meant admitting to both myself & my partner that I wasn’t ok. That I needed for us to stop. It risked upsetting the newly healed place we were in. It also meant feeling my pain, which I’d already had 2–3 weeks of!
But, because I was willing to risk upsetting things & pause our intimacy, magic happened. I was able to shift the energy in my body, release what needed to come out & then open to a beautiful, pleasurable & deeply fulfilling experience.
My partner also felt more fulfilled too because he could feel my openness & readiness once I’d released the sadness I was feeling.
Stopping in the moment to honour your body can sometimes feel inconvenient, annoying & embarassing, but this is how you learn to build trust with yourself & learn to truly honour your boundaries.
This is one of the deepest acts of self love you can give yourself.
It’s also generally an all-round win, because you get more pleasure & your partner gets more connection ( = more pleasure for them).
So, I encourage you to remember this & listen to those moments when you don’t feel fully ready to open.
Be brave, pause & ask for whatever you need to honour your body. Then give yourself what you need. Even if it’s just space to work out what that next step is.